MSP

It's amazing how appealing Manic Street Preachers' become. I've heard that one song so many times today that I'm starting to believe it.

I guess it's true in a way. Once it's done, it over. There's no more heartache, no more pain.

I've heard people insist it's the coward's way out. I refuse to believe that. Maybe in some cases, it is. But sometimes there just isn't a choice. It's not worth it anymore - no point going on.

I'm not saying that I've reached that point. But I'm close. And it's inviting. The thought of not feeling so...empty. Of not feeling so alone.

So I'll listen to it again. And again. I'll keep on playing "Suicide is Painless". Till I either lose faith in it or believe it completely.

Platonic

How difficult is it to understand a platonic relationship? So what if I have midnight calls that last hours? I enjoy them. If they don't bother me, why should they bother you?

And it helps. I don't how much of a difference I make but he did. Yesterday. I know he wasn't terribly insightful. Doesn't matter. He listened and I feel better.

I'm always going to have moments like those. I'm not going to open up each time. But I was close to my breaking point. Ready to do something drastic. That's why it mattered that he called. That he wanted to know why. That I was able to open up.

I can skirt issues with no effort. I'm used to it. Keeping it in is a habit. But I do need an outlet sometimes. And the fact that he was there meant so much.

He's a friend, no matter what you see. Don't spoil it. Don't judge our calls.

It keeps me sane.

Bridesmaid

Always a bridesmaid...God, that hit home yesterday. I should be used to it now. But it still stings a bit.

I'm getting used to it. I've never liked being in the spotlight. I prefer to push the attention away. Too much time on me and I start feeling uncomfortable.

But to ignore me totally... now that's just unfair. Everyone likes a little acknowledgement. A little praise. And a little flattery. Makes my day.

Someone once told me that I seem very cheerful, like I have a wonderful secret held close to my heart. Well, I like that. I like being thought of as cheerful. Maybe that's my secret. It's my lie.

I know I've not had more heartbreaks than the average person but I do tend to dwell on them longer. Analyzing every aspect, making it bring me down. I've been down a lot more than I care to remember.

And that's when I need you to notice me.

Life, as I once knew it

I'm listening to "Ship of fools". And there's one line - "Why is life so precious and so cruel?"

Struck me very strong. Especially now.

I've always believed in the essential goodness of life. I know I still do. And, don't get me wrong, I haven't had experiences that could make me very jaded. But there's a cynical edge now. I never thought that I would feel that way.

And, to me, love was an integral part of life. I'd always thought of myself as a true romantic. And I guess I'm not. It's a part of growing up. Everyone goes through it, right?

When you realize that life and love are never as good as you once thought they were. You understand that there are too many ups and downs.

And isn't that supposed to be better? Who'd want something without a little variation? Well, I know I wouldn't.

But getting disappointed over and over again does leave a sour taste. One too many scares. And before you know it, you come to expect it. It's nothing new.

And that's when it strikes. You want the old you back. The one who believed in true and everlasting love. The one who could always find that silver lining.

Because you can't find it anymore.