Self-preservation

I just had an overwhelming desire to breakdown. In the middle of work, post lunch, when all that should be in my mind is the half-hearted desire to ward off drowsiness... Well, at least that worked. I'm no longer sleepy.

A friend implied that I'm scared to let anyone in. The fear of getting close to someone is almost paralysing. Alright, it's probably not news. Analysing it is a road, though, I may not want to travel down. Solving it is a definite no.

I suppose losing someone, that close to me, had it's repercussions. And I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me. My way of self-preservation. The less vulnerability, the easier it is to live. Well, one way of going through life.

Heard someone say that today. Never let anyone get close. You stay better friends that way. Besides, it's not likely that someone wants to hear you let it all out. Sooner or later, a very polite ly worded "shut up" is gonna come your way. Why wait for that?

So I'm shutting people out again. If I want to cry, I'll cry alone. If I want to rant, I'll scream in my head. A few confidences shared is all that you really need to survive. Keep yourself aloof.

So bottle it all in. Share in tiny amounts. Delude yourself into happiness.