Mortality

Years go by and the truth dawns. Childhood fallacies swept away as the realization comes into sharp focus. Mortality is a terrifying reality.

It shouldn't have to be almost tangible. But I can feel it everyday... reminding me that nothing lasts forever. It's whispering thoughts I wish I could scream away.

I never wanted to get used to it. Never wanted to live each day dreading that phone call.

It's a way of life. Ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away. But having it glare at my face is not a way I want to live my life. To think of new ways to not think about it. To not contemplate of what will only bring me to tears.

Thinking about it constantly will make it fester... will stop the wound from healing. And I still pick at it, making it worse. Reminding myself of what I lost... envisioning new terrors. The many futures that could destroy my world.

A future so much worse than the present I'm drowning in. And my only excuse for living in my nightmare...I'm preparing myself for so much worse.

Reality

The swetest thing is when they show people who've been together for what seems like forever...holding on, falling deeper in love everyday.

And it's a fairytale. Because in real life, it's never like that.

I've seen my Aunt and Uncle grow old together. Married forever... And they fought. They didn't agree on a thing. He found fault in everything she did and didn't mince words when it came to letting her know about it. She bore it as much as she could and then lashed out.

Their daughter fell in love. And naturally, they disagreed on everything. The bridegroom wasn't good enough. The horoscopes didn't match. The girl didn't know what she wanted...she was too inexperienced.

My uncle insulted the bridegroom's father. My aunt found a reason to support the bridegroom. And she got her way. The couple were married. She had her victory.

He wanted her to put her foot down. Family be damned... money mattered... And she wouldn't. So he bitched about her to her brother... spread rumors. Got the family divided. And he won.

Shouldn't that have been the end? They each had their moment of glory. Amazing how it never stopped. When one of them fell ill, the other was always ready to make it worse. And they both bounced back yelling.

Until one day he didn't wake up.

And I thought, foolishly, that it was all over. That she would be at peace without his barbed wire tearing into her everyday.

But she wasn't. She went through each day wishing he would come back... throw one more taunt at her. She was lost without him.

I'd never realized how complete he made her feel. How they were a two halves of a whole. They didn't pretend with each other. They enjoyed their battles and didn't care what anyone thought.

And the image of the love of that perfect TV couple vanished. Because my aunt and uncle had something better.