Roseate

Hidden Object Game Review- Mystery Case Files: Madame Fate

2010-11-18T16:45:00.000+05:30

Lovely game, irritating madame. I've already played this a few times though. And I think I probably will play it some more :D

Definitely less creepy than Ravenhearst.

Review here: http://www.suite101.com/content/hidden-object-game-review--mystery-case-files-madame-fate-a310425

I couldn't take my own picture so I used a nice pic of a crystal ball taken by Jon Ross (from flickr). :D

Xmas Gifts!

2010-11-15T19:56:00.000+05:30

Well, okay, these are gifts I'd love to get too. Not necessarily for Christmas. Anytime would do. :)

I've already got the Chocolatier series so I know it'll make a great gift. And then I was going through a lot of gifting ideas and saw these. They're unique and fun. So much better than the ordinary gifts you see around...

Take a look at it here: http://www.suite101.com/content/unusual-xmas-gifts-for-women-a309125

I really love the idea of the relaxing bath with the candles...Think I'm going to go run a bath for myself now- minus the bath salts, bubble bath, wine and candles. :( On second thought, I'm going to just go read a book under a blanket. :P

The book of ultimate truths

2010-11-11T21:15:00.000+05:30

And my next review...

I adored this book! It was hilarious, insane, weird and made me laugh out loud. I loved the characters. I think I actually like the dad more than the main character...

This was the first Robert Rankin book I've read but I'm definitely going to try to get more. If it was half as good as this book, I know I'll have a lot of fun.

So enough gushing, here's the review: http://www.suite101.com/content/fantasy-book-review-the-book-of-ultimate-truths-a306912

I've finally got my hands on the sequel so I'll be reviewing that soon too.

Review of Mystery Case Files: Ravenhearst

2010-11-11T21:08:00.000+05:30

I think I'm beginning to become a bit of a fame whore...Lol, well, maybe not. According to urban dictionary a fame whore is 'An individual who is willing to do anything, regardless of how humiliating or demeaning, to achieve notoriety. More often than not, this involves appearing on multiple reality television shows and/or having "private" sex videos "leaked" to the press.'

So that's definitely not me! But, I do want to get as many links to connect to my articles on suite101. So I'm willing to write about it...Hence, this post.

I've been playing a lot of games lately ever since we got a wireless connection at home. Since the connection is so brilliantly crap, I've made sure I've downloaded my games. So, when the net conks off, I've got nothing to worry about. I can play my hidden object games and role playing games to my heart's content. :)

So far, I've fallen in love with the Mystery Case File series and the Chocolatier series. I plan on doing reviews of all of them once I get my hands on them.

Anyway, take a look at my review of Mystery Case Files: Ravenhearst. I've written about it here: http://www.suite101.com/content/hidden-object-game-review--mystery-case-files-ravenhearst-a305805

Note the picture. :) That was our house at Venkatgiri when Smriti and me just before we moved. :D I couldn't find a picture of Ravenhearst that was available for commercial use. :( However, I do like the picture I ended up using!

Culinary Glee

2010-11-01T16:13:00.000+05:30

The aroma of freshly baked bread, the sizzling of frying onions, the look of delight as you serve up something wonderful- is it any surprise that I love cooking? I love waking up in the mornings and trying to decide what I’ll make today. I love baking, dicing, slicing, frying, grilling- there’s so much you can do. And so many flavours to try out.

It’s truly amazing how a simple addition or reduction of a flavour can completely alter your dish. Add a little pepper for that extra bite or cut down on the garlic for a more subtle flavouring. Experiment with oranges and meat, chocolate and beetroot...Everything can go together with a little know-how.

That’s what it’s all about really. Cooking is really just creating magnificent masterpieces from seemingly ordinary ingredients. And anything can be magnificent. From that simple delicious omelette to the more complex but mouth-watering coq au vin. Anything can taste good, if you give it your best shot.

It’s delightful trying your hand at something for the first time and having it come out perfect. It’s so disappointing when it falls flat. It’s never a bother though. Just get back into the kitchen and try again. Get back into the kitchen and cook away your worries, your anxieties and just concentrate on making that perfect meal. Make it yours, make it special, make it a work of art.

The world is open to you. Italian, Indian, Chinese- what do you feel like today? You can make anything you want to. Just step into that kitchen and whip up your inspiration. Serve it up on a platter and watch your families faces light up with joy. Now that’s bliss.

Taste of Italy

2010-11-01T14:44:00.002+05:30

My husband and I went to a small Italian cafe the other day. I'll admit we tend to go out drinking more than we have days out eating. but, we were hungry one afternoon and found a small place on Leith Walk in Edinburgh. Now, it really doesn't look all that welcoming. I like to go for places that are quaint and cosy. With a bright, garish signpost and a tad too loud music, it does fall more on to the cheesier side.

However, when you get in, the food blows you away. The desserts, the paninis, the pasta... they're all made to perfection. I had lasagna and it was beautiful. Bursting with cheese but still managing to bring the full flavour of the meat and sauce through...what more could a person ask for?

My husband opted for a simple panini and that looked pretty good as well. I almost wished I'd changed my order. The bread was crisp on the outside and deliciously soft inside. The right amount of cheese and tomatoes made it quite the satisfying meal. While my husband didn't touch the salad (not the salad type :P), I managed to sneak in a few bites. Crisp and fresh.

Surprisingly, the prices are very decent. The portions are great so it's really quite the value for money. The food is completely fresh and smells lovely when it gets to your table. They've also got an open plan kitchen so you can see what they're up to- always a nice thought. :)

Finally, I have to mention the waitresses. They are, without a doubt, the nicest people I've come across. Our waitress was a cheerful little one (I assume from Italy) who always had a smile on her face. Makes quite a difference when you don't have to deal with surly waiters.

I'd definitely recommend this place to anyone who fancies Italian food or just plain old good food! It filled us up, made us happy and got us prepared for our long day ahead. :)

Ahhh... bake me a piece

2010-08-19T17:12:00.001+05:30

I think I’m eating too much. Gorging on fatty baked goods that can’t be good for me. I remember loving them as a kid and not gaining a kg... but then I remember running around and around with no other purpose but to tag the annoying one in pigtails. Probably helped work off those extra calories. Would it be so very weird if I called the neighbours and asked them to join in a game of tag? ‘You be it, kind sir. You look like you can’t catch an arthritic tortoise.’

That is one problem with this place though. There aren’t that many men bulging at the sides. So getting the neighbours might actually have me being tagged all the time. I’m not fat... oh no no, call me that and watch your back. But exercise? Can’t remember the last time I did that. I’ll probably take a step and drop, wheezing out as I do, ‘Kind sir, tag the hag there...’

I do have an excuse now for not running around in mindless circles. I’m ill, painfully swallowing and feeling a blockage there the size of the subway guy’s ass, before he went on his ‘diet.’ So, instead, I’m lying in bed watching the neighbours have fun without me. Walking in the sunshine...oh wait, the rain...on wait, the insane breeze...See, what I mean? How could that not be fun? Just waiting for the weather to make up its mind... more fun that getting a guy to remember what’s so special about today.

Ah, now there’s a fun game, if ever there was one.’ Is it your birthday? Is it our anniversary? Is it your dog’s birthday? Is it the day we successfully filed our taxes a year ago? Are we getting married today??’

Thinking up ways to ‘subtly’ drop hints does take it out of a person. ‘Oh look, honey, there goes an airplane with one of those trailing signs. Why don’t we read what it says?’

He looks up. ‘It’s...valentine’s...day...you...dim-witted...numbskull...’ A small flicker of understanding. I help it along with a nice lil whack on the head with a sack of chocolates. As the heart shaped pieces fall all around him, it dawns on him. ‘Mother’s day!’

Sadly, those fun days are far away. We’re still in the middle of August. Still in the middle of pointless weather changes. Still in the middle of times when it’s considered a tad insane to run up to a fully grown stranger on the street, punch him on the arm and yell ‘tag’ in his face. Still in the middle of times when a guy will be sure to freeze in terror when you ask him what day it is.

The world’s falling to pieces. Can you blame me if all I want to do forget my sorrows in a nice warm plate of steak and kidney pie? Pass me the mashed potatoes and join me, won’t you?

Far Away

2009-08-08T20:58:00.003+05:30

How do people do this? How do they manage to stay away from the one they love and still smile? How do they get through each day and think everything's going to be okay? How can they look forward to each day knowing nothing's going to change? How can they sleep at night knowing that they're miserably alone?

They've got people around them, they've got friends, they've got family. They've got work, they've got pats on their backs. They've got a lovely house to stay in, they've got a roommate who's trying their very best to get them to smile. They've got books, they've got the TV, they've got ridiculous games on the internet.

But, none of that really matters. In the end, they're going to pick out the most depressing book they can find and read, weeping into the night. They're going to sing along to the saddest songs they can play. They're not going to go out with their friends cos they'd prefer sitting at home and imagining that life could be better. They're going to fluctuate wildly between hope and utter despair.

They're going to grab every nugget of happiness they can find. They're going to sob uncontrollably at any little upset. They're going to wish things were different. They're going to wish everything was the same. They're going to wish they could go back to the way things were. They're going to hope that things get getter.

They're going to wait.

What was the point?

2009-03-25T21:01:00.001+05:30

What was the point of getting you to a vet if you were going to die two days later? What was the point of standing over you yelling at blue cross to come if you weren't going to make it? What was the point of having you safe and sound in an animal shelter if you were never going to walk again? What was the point of praying for you if nobody was going to listen? What was the point of calling everyday if no one believed you'd live? What was the point of going there and seeing you doing better if it was just temporary? What was the point of hearing people say you were going to get better if it was just lies? What was the point of feeling so attached to you if you weren't going to be around? What was the point of crying if I never even got to know you?

What's the point of anything?

Just like that dog

2009-03-23T08:30:00.000+05:30

You unfeeling pretentious asshole. I hope a car comes crashing into you while you're on that fucking motorcycle, just like you crashed into that poor dog. I hope you fall off and have your leg shattered, just like what happened to that dog. I hope that car drives away without anyone looking back, just like you didn't look back when you slammed into that dog. I hope you lay there and no one comes to help you, just like you didn't help that dog. I hope you wait for help and drag yourself pleading, just like you made that dog plead. I hope when you finally get help, you're told you won't be able to walk, just like that poor dog might not be able to. I hope you go through so much pain and agony, just like you put that dog through. I hope you suffer through every single moment, just like you made that dog suffer.

I hope every single day you go through hell and die a miserable and lonely death.

I looked for you...

2009-03-17T13:28:00.002+05:30

Had a terrifying dream. I dreamed you were alive. That you'd just simply gotten lost. And to find you, we lost our way. We couldn't get back and all that time I knew you'd be wondering where we were. Why we couldn't be bothered finding you.

But I did. I looked for ways to get out, to not settle in. But, in the end, nothing I did mattered. When it was ready, it threw us back into reality.

A reality where you were still lost. Where I entertained dreams of you knocking on the door and saying, "I'm sorry I was gone so long." And being so sorry that you missed out on so much.

And every knock, every call was never you... Until, that fateful day you came back. I saw you coming and I rushed to open the door. You stood there, nary a smile on your face. You stood there and looked at me, accusing me.

And I ran away. Because I realised you were never coming back. You were lost and, in my dreams, finding you didn't help. It would never be you.

To the one I love

2008-09-10T18:59:00.005+05:30

I take thee to be my lawfully wedded husband. To love and to cherish, though sickness and through health, through good times and through bad, for better or for worse.

I want to be able to sleep in your arms at night, knowing that I'm safe, and wake up with a smile on my lips. To travel the world with you and to stay at home doing nothing. To have kids and spoil them rotten with you. To make you feel loved and to build a home with you. To make you realise that you mean the world to me.

You've made me feel more protected that I've ever felt and more in love that I ever hoped to be. You've made me miserable when you're not around and at peace when we're together. You've made me do things I would never dream of doing and feeling so much better for having done them. You make me want to be a better person, for you and for me.

And every single day with you is a revelation into how our future is going to be every bit as beautiful as we imagine.

The Other Side

2007-08-03T12:54:00.000+05:30

It’s 2 am, and you’re sitting up in bed, wondering why you can’t get to sleep. You’re eating what’s become a newfound obsession- mixed berry yogurt. It’s creamy and you’re letting it sit on your tongue a moment, savoring it, before swallowing. You can feel the stickiness on your lips, and you run your tongue over it. It’s amazing, but…you’re a little annoyed that there are very few berries in this carton.

You’re drinking warm water and honey in a tiny mug. It was supposed to warm you up in this frigid climate. You drain the cup and try to get all the honey into your mouth. The little bit that refused to mix with the water is slowly inching its way. It reminds you of days spent as a kid, thinking it was the best drink ever made. But it’s not the same… It’s not that cold in the room anymore. And you can’t mix honey and water quite as well as your dad could.

You’re listening to old sappy songs in your dimly lit bedroom. Songs you grew up to, that you would hate to be caught listening to now. And you realize that you still like them. You’re buried under your sheets, with the solitary lamp casting weird shadows on the ceiling. You’re watching them and letting the music just wash over you. Mulling over memories of how you were as a kid. When the music was a fad you just had to listen to. When it didn’t mean anything. It’s different today… it’s not just memories. It’s what you thought would have been normal. You never dreamed that what they were singing about would never come true.

You suppose you’ve become that person always looking for the anti-thesis of silver linings.

Unforgettable

2007-07-21T18:33:00.000+05:30

I'm finally here. And, so far, it's been interesting :)

I've seen koalas, dingos, wombats, tasmanian devils...I've touched baby crocs and baby kangaroos. I'm living in an amazing apartment, 63 floors off the ground. I've eaten things I've only read about. I've had the most exquisite wine. I'm working with some really amazing people. And I'm planning on doing a lot more here.

But the most amazing experience I've had? Catching sight of a humpback whale... a solitary male swimming past us on a routine migration. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except for the awestruck tourists.

He swam around a bit, exhaled explosively out of his blowhole, went underwater, waved his fins around, showed us some tail action...and then, rose up above the water for the most amazing dive.

The sight of that whale rising up above and crashing into the water is not one I'll ever forget. It didn't matter that it was freezing or that I was soaked to the bone. It didn't matter that the camera wasn't clicking when I wanted it to. It didn't even matter that I was alone.

I didn't care about those petty problems. I couldn't take my eyes off him. Desperately hoping he would dive again but happy enough to just see him in the ocean. He didn't do anything fancy after those first few dives. He just swam... And, still I watched. Knowing that even if I could just see a tiny bit of his back, I would watch until I wasn't able to anymore.

We stayed with him for a long time. And then we started navigating our way back to the harbor. I vaguely heard the announcer, on the boat, say that the whales were doing much better. That they weren't on the verge of extinction anymore. And that they were going to be many more of them migrating in later years. I felt a tiny surge of joy.

Because something that majestic deserves to live forever.

Two Sides

2007-06-22T18:56:00.000+05:30

I'm flying in little less than 2 weeks. I know I'm supposed to be excited. I know I'm supposed to be thrilled. And don't get me wrong, I am. But, I think that there's a tiny part of me that's wondering if that's it...if this will be the one big thing that makes me thrilled. And after that, all I have are the memories.

I wanna go and have the best time ever there. But, really, I'm just too lethargic lately. I can't seem to make the effort to plan. Maybe it'll all be different when I reach there. Maybe I'll get there and realize that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and that I should make the best of it.

Or maybe, it won't be that great. Maybe it'll be the same as home, only colder. Maybe I won't have a soul to talk to and will wanna come back running here.

I guess that's what life is about really. The fear that things are not gonna go your way. The hope that you'll find what you want. The uncertanities that make you think twice. I've got my choices ready. I guess just need to decide.

So maybe I'll go for a lil hope...

Fade Away

2007-06-11T19:50:00.001+05:30

Amazing how people surprise you. Someone you think the world of, who you imagine can never hurt you, who you trust implicitly... turns out he's a person you invented in your mind.

And you don't know how to get past it. You know you said you'd try. You know you think it'll get better later...but, to know what you went through earlier and to do something so similar...that's just not something you're ready to forgive.

You're not saying friends don't disappoint. Friends betray you, they lie, they cheat, they hurt you. And, if you're willing to, you forgive them. And, you go and stab them in their backs the very next day. A full circle, you don't give it a second thought.

And then along comes a few minutes of indiscretion... a slipping of the mask? And you find that you can't see your friendship in the same way. Every little thing is suspect. Every thing he says may be a lie.

You wish he never did what he did. And then you wonder, if he didn't do it now, would he have done it later? Or was it just one moment of weakness? The more you think about it, the less you want to. And soon you're going to be tired. You're going to will it all to fade away.

And you're going to lose what you once treasured.

Unadulterated fun

2007-05-30T15:36:00.000+05:30

We were out a few nights ago at a pub, having a girl's night out. A weekly ritual, it very rarely varies. There're 2 or 3 of us, out on ladies nite, drinking a few and basically enjoying some good music. Lately, though, they've started playing really crappy dance music by 9.

Now, I'm sorry but I just can't stand dance music, unless I'm really drunk... and that's not happened often. There are some songs I really like but most just sound absolutely the same!

So, rather than dance to an endless string of similar sounding tunes, we decided to show up early and enjoy the limited hours of retro. But, wouldn't you know things never go the way they're planned?

We planned on leaving at 10. We figured we'd have just enough of the music and drinks. And we walk in...and there's a live band! They start playing at around 9ish... And it's immensely danceable! Retro, retro rock and one crappy dance number...

But I've never danced so much! I must have stepped on a 100 feet as people tried to pass by to get to the other side of FP. We danced a storm. Every song was our last song!

My roomie finally dragged me away at 11.30. And turns out we forgot our key and had to make an ass of myself climbing over the gate. The one sore spot in our night of pure unadulterated fun.

Because that's what it was. Fun without any worries. There was no artificially induced high. No worries about work the next day. No fears that I'll never find that one special person. No regrets about the past.

It was living in the moment at its best.

My IPod World

2007-05-04T19:32:00.000+05:30

I've taken to listening to my ipod when I'm travelling. In ricks, planes, cars...anything. And, I love how it makes me feel. I don't have to listen to the traffic, the blaring of the vehicle horns, the yells, the crying. I'm lost in my own cocoon of imagination.

I can imagine scenarios as I want. A man standing in front of a shop could be arguing about the shopkeeper ripping him off... but to me, he's deciding what to take home for his baby daughter. I don't have to hear him screaming...I can see him violently gesturing because the shopkeeper just doesn't have something big enough for his lil sweetheart.

A woman sitting on the back of a cycle isn't complaining to her husband about not being in a car. She's reliving the times they had when they first met- when all they could afford was a bicycle.

A couple sitting in a delayed flight aren't mad that they'll never reach home. They're happy just being together and can't stop talking about it.

It's all an illusion- a world that will never be. Doesn't make a difference. When I've got my ipod playing music at its loudest, I can see the world at it's happiest. And, I can't help but let a smile slip by.

The Swedish Chef

2007-04-19T19:01:00.000+05:30

So I'm stuck in the office waiting for it to turn 8. And, since I'm soooo good at wasting time, I'm watching videos on YouTube. Or, to be more specific, videos of the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show.

I truly love this guy! The most destructive chef on the planet!

Here're a couple of my fave sketches from him.

Opening The Coconut

He just can't figure out how to open the damn thing. Actually, he can't figure out which side's the 'top' and which side's the 'bottom. So, screw that. It's time to get down to work. The knife just ain't working. Ah! A saw (sawzen)... a lil effort before he realizes just how much of a waste of time that is. And then... he decides to 'Klobber' it. I almost fell off my chair, laughing!

He whacks it hard and what do you know?? It opens... and there's a bomb in it! And boom!

I do have to admit that the end was kind of a disappointment. I would have preferred him using the gun to open it. But that's just my violent tendencies surfacing.

Chicky In The Basket

Most sane people think chicken in a normal basket. The Swedish chef thinks chicken through a basketball hoop.

I love it when he shows us the 'chicky' and the 'basket.' The terrified chicken takes off running. The chef goes after him, grabs him, dribbles and scores!!!!!

'Two Points!'

Chocolate Mousse

Now, that's just an obvious one but still no less hilarious!!

He pours the chocolate in a nice yellow bowl... Yum, yum, yum :D and oh yeah, Gud gud! The guy speaking just had me rolling on the floor!

And then, comes...Moose, Moose!

So, the next step in this very easy recipe is 'the chocolat ona the Moose' And spread it evenly over his nose.

The look of surprise on the moose's face is brilliant. :)

Making Eggs

This one has to be my favourite. Eggs from the chicken.

The chicken makes a nice lil racket. And the chef moves the chicky around and gets a small round white object. Kinda lite and small... and it bounces! A peenga pong ball!

He whacks the chicken and demands an egg. The chicken seems to make a determined effort and winds up with...2 peenga ponga balls!

So, screw eggs! Let's have a chicky instead! The extremely startled chicken takes off running, stopping only to see the berserk chef strum a lil tune on his frying pan.

I could not stop laughing at this one! The chicken trying to get away with ping pong balls, the frustration of the chef and the madcap chase at the end made this a brilliant classic.

Admittedly, not the most serious watching. But something so crazy is guaranteed to elicit a few smiles...and, in my case...loud laughter!

Still wondering though, did that chef ever get around to cooking anything?

TV couples and perfection

2007-04-11T19:43:00.000+05:30

So I never really used the word 'jobless' until I got a job. Ironic, huh?

Well, as another exercise in joblessness :)... My fave TV couples.

Jim and Pam (The Office)

My current fave. I loved the kiss from Casino Night. Obviously, I expected them to get together then. I really hate waiting for a couple...and when another person comes in between...it's torture, especially if the other woman in likable!

What I like about this couple is Jim, I suppose. He's the person you wish you had in your life. The guy who cares so much, who looks out for you- Your best friend.

Pam was never oblivious...I don't suppose you can really not know... on some level, you will be aware that the person you're closest to is in love with you. I'm glad she left Roy... but what will it take to get those 2 together?!

I've always entertained the thought that I'd fall in love with my best friend. That we'd be so good together because we knew each other so well. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm not in love with the guy I consider my closest friend. And the guy I think I have feelings for? He doesn't even look at me that way.

I've spent a lot of time lately watching office fanvids, reading fanfiction... I know it's kinda pathetic :( It's just that a few years ago, I was convinced I would have my perfect life. I'd have someone who loved me, someone I could be completely myself with. I've never really managed to do that.

And what really sucks is that I don't believe in it anymore.

Rachel and Joey (Friends)

I know a lot of people rooted for Ross and Rachel. But, I loved this couple. And, I hated that the writers let me down.

Joey was such a typical playboy and then he finds love with his roommate- his best friend's ex. And, sadly, she turned out to be too good a friend of his too. So it didn't work out. I just don't see that happening. The first time he actually cares so deeply for a person and it fizzles out? Just because more people rooted for Ross... they let this just be a distraction...an added complication before the 'main' couple could get together.

Don't get me wrong, I like Ross but I thought Joey was so much better for Rachel. She had fun with him. She could be messy with him. She discovered a much more comfortable lifestyle with him. And Joey? He discovered that he could be caring. He could get her to the hospital when she was in pain. He took her out when she was depressed. He even realized that low-fat Mayo didn't taste that bad.

Isn't that what you should find in love? The opportunity to be better, to be yourself...

Michael and Liz (Roswell)

I know Max loved her. I know he saved her. But, sometimes the person who saves you isn't the one you fall in love with. At least, that's the way I wanted it.

The first season was just so perfect for Max and Liz. He did all the right things. She saved him so many times. And then we find out she wasn't his destiny. And she ran.

I wouldn't have minded if he wasn't such a jerk in second season. And, that's when you realize that Michael seemed more human than Max could ever be. He helped them solve Alex's murder, he stayed back for Maria, he listened to Liz when Max wouldn't.

And I thought that Liz would be so much happier if she fell in love with the gruff, seeming hard-hearted Michael than the soft-spoken, romantic Max. I know every girl wants that perfect romance but when it goes awry, it's so much more perfect to fall for the person who'll always be there for you.

Buffy and Spike (BTVS)

Well, this is obvious. Spike and Buffy had more chemistry than Buffy and Angel ever had! Seriously though, if a couple is doomed, why keep trying? Why let yourself in for more heartbreak when you know that you can't be together?

Spike was always there for her. When no one else believed in her, he did. He stayed with her and helped her get over her pain. He took care of Dawn because he made a promise to her. And she made him feel less of a monster.

And Buffy? She slowly regained her humanity with him. She learned that being snatched away from heaven wasn't so unbearable. She learned to depend on him and not feel weak by it.

I just realized that I don't care if there aren't any flowers and candy. It doesn't matter if he doesn't say 'I love you.' I know that I still want that perfect romance. It's just...my definition of perfection seems to have changed.

Random songs at 1 am

2007-04-09T23:23:00.000+05:30

There's nothing good on TV. So I'm listening to random songs playing on my itunes. So, as a completely pointless waste of time, here's how some songs make me feel.

Yeah Yeah Yeah Song - Flaming Lips

That 'yeah yeah yeah' part just bugs the life outta me. Everytime I hear it start, I wanna throw something at the the speakers or strangle myself with my earphones. Don't get me wrong. I love the song... just wish they didn't have the yeah yeah part!

It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones

It's an old song. Really corny. But I love it :) I know it's not supposed to be really happy. I've felt that way so many times and I can really relate to it. But, what the hell, it's got a catchy tune and I can actually dance to it. :)

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

One of their best songs. Such a beautiful love song. I wanted for so long to have someone that I can actually sing this to. 'Would you lie with me and just forget the world?'

I want to be with someone and not worry about making an impression. Just be with the person and know that I can be me. I want to waste time chasing cars around our heads.

Girl Next Door- Saving Jane

Who hasn't really felt this way at some point? The feeling of inadequacy. Whatever you do just cannot compare to that perfect person you know. Why would anyone want to go out with you when they can choose her instead?

I know I'm just the girl next door. I know I'll never have everything she has. And, maybe one day... it won't sting so much.

23- Jimmy Eat World

Had this in my itunes forever. Rediscovered it again when 'One tree hill' played it in their second season. That music makes me wanna close my eyes and just lose myself in it. 'I won't always love these selfish things.' Makes me want to get up and really do something that not's just for me. It's another story that I don't always do it.

'You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time...What are you hoping for' It makes sense doesn't it? I don't really know what I' waiting for. I used to think that I'd find it when I saw it. Maybe all my dreams are just that. Dreams that can never compare to reality. A reality that I can make better if I stopped waiting.

Arms of an angel - Sarah McLachlan

'There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release'

I can think of a million things that's upset me. And rather than confront them...I go into denial. I deny they exist. I bury my life into a million trivial pastimes. And never face the truth. That I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be at this age.

Dance with my Father - Luther Vandross

Goes without saying, doesn't it?

Another list of random thoughts

2007-04-09T00:22:00.000+05:30

Well... I've got a ton of things running through my head. So, day by day, on this semi-long vacation, I'm gonna get it all down. Finally, clear my head (that'll take some time...)

Inconsequential things first.

A list (cos the last one was way too trivial!)

Addiction: Music I relate to

Song: At this point in time, 'tracks of my tears' (refer above)

Peeve: Sentences left unsaid. Maybe it's not important enough

Joy: Hugs and kisses for my lil furry angels

Worst Moment: Dec 29, 1998. 'nuf said

Best moment: Many good moments. Ask me on my death bed. I'll look back then...

Waiting: Forever and a day is just fantasy. Take a back seat on some days, cynicism.

Memories: Smiles to bring you back from the dumps.

Love: I'm drawing a blank here. Redefined to the point of a simple shrug.

Emotions: A damn amusement park ride.

Work: Fervent wishes that you're doing something right.

Fear: Random nightmares in the setting of reality

Chick flicks: Rolled eyes and sheepish feel-good smiles

Books: My escape

Tomorrow: The brighter one. Glimpses are not gonna be the end.

Corny : The line above!

Dreams: The line below...

Hope: Tiny. Pieces of heaven in a normal life.

Mortality

2007-01-08T17:53:00.000+05:30

Years go by and the truth dawns. Childhood fallacies swept away as the realization comes into sharp focus. Mortality is a terrifying reality.

It shouldn't have to be almost tangible. But I can feel it everyday... reminding me that nothing lasts forever. It's whispering thoughts I wish I could scream away.

I never wanted to get used to it. Never wanted to live each day dreading that phone call.

It's a way of life. Ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away. But having it glare at my face is not a way I want to live my life. To think of new ways to not think about it. To not contemplate of what will only bring me to tears.

Thinking about it constantly will make it fester... will stop the wound from healing. And I still pick at it, making it worse. Reminding myself of what I lost... envisioning new terrors. The many futures that could destroy my world.

A future so much worse than the present I'm drowning in. And my only excuse for living in my nightmare...I'm preparing myself for so much worse.

Reality

2007-01-03T18:23:00.000+05:30

The swetest thing is when they show people who've been together for what seems like forever...holding on, falling deeper in love everyday.

And it's a fairytale. Because in real life, it's never like that.

I've seen my Aunt and Uncle grow old together. Married forever... And they fought. They didn't agree on a thing. He found fault in everything she did and didn't mince words when it came to letting her know about it. She bore it as much as she could and then lashed out.

Their daughter fell in love. And naturally, they disagreed on everything. The bridegroom wasn't good enough. The horoscopes didn't match. The girl didn't know what she wanted...she was too inexperienced.

My uncle insulted the bridegroom's father. My aunt found a reason to support the bridegroom. And she got her way. The couple were married. She had her victory.

He wanted her to put her foot down. Family be damned... money mattered... And she wouldn't. So he bitched about her to her brother... spread rumors. Got the family divided. And he won.

Shouldn't that have been the end? They each had their moment of glory. Amazing how it never stopped. When one of them fell ill, the other was always ready to make it worse. And they both bounced back yelling.

Until one day he didn't wake up.

And I thought, foolishly, that it was all over. That she would be at peace without his barbed wire tearing into her everyday.

But she wasn't. She went through each day wishing he would come back... throw one more taunt at her. She was lost without him.

I'd never realized how complete he made her feel. How they were a two halves of a whole. They didn't pretend with each other. They enjoyed their battles and didn't care what anyone thought.

And the image of the love of that perfect TV couple vanished. Because my aunt and uncle had something better.

Break down

2006-08-29T23:51:00.000+05:30

I need to cry. I need to be able to break down. I don't want to keep this in anymore. I've opened this page so many times, willing myself to write something...anything. But I couldn't. Maybe I was scared. I think I was scared that if I did get my feelings down, I wouldn't be able to take it.

My one release was always writing. The one thing I knew I could do to keep from falling apart. And I stopped. When Jamie died, I couldn't write. I'd open my diary and just look at the empty page, wondering why the words wouldn't come out. I'd write a few words and then just...stop. No tears, no heartache... just plain denial.

I remember locking the door and just staring at the ceiling. I knew I needed to let it out. A few forced tears would slip out and that was it... I think the fact that I didn't see it happen... that I just heard about made it easier to believe that it was just a bad dream. That if I didn't cry, I wouldn't believe it. And it wouldn't be real.

Avoiding the issue should have helped. So I cooked, I read, I watched mindless TV... And I didn't think about her. I didn't think about my little baby. I didn't think about her never flying down those steps again. I didn't think about her never making that strange noise she made outside the house. I didn't think about her never looking down at us from the first floor. About her making a fuss over her breakfast.

I didn't think about her except in those unguarded moments when I didn't have anything to distract myself. And then, dry-eyed, I'd remember her. Because to my mind, distance had allowed me to live in my make-believe world.

I'm home now. And I can't be in denial forever. She's really gone. She's never going to be terrified of plastic bags again. Never going to be the only one brave enough to face a crazed Santa. I'm never going to carry her again. I'm never going to hear her be called a rabbit.

I wish I'd had the chance to hold her one last time...to pet her tiny little head and tell her she was a wonderful dog. It didn't matter how much of a mess she made, how much she terrified us when she fell ill, how she could be so stubborn. What mattered was the way she would jump up in joy when she saw us. How she would try to scare cows. How she would lie on her back demanding we rub her tummy. How she made me so happy. And how I'll miss her.

I'm finally in tears...

A letter

2006-05-22T20:33:00.000+05:30

Dear Daddy,

I know this may seem strange...me writing to you. But I needed to feel connected. I needed to believe that I could still talk to you. This was the only thing I could think of.

I miss you. I'd always believed the pain would reduce- that, as the years rolled by, I would feel less alone. But I don't. I haven't felt close to anyone in years. Yesterday was somehow so much worse. I spent the night either tossing and turning or staring at the ceiling, willing the tears to stop.

I wish you were here to make me smile. I wish you were here to make me look at the brighter side. Because I can't anymore. I can't believe that everything is going to be okay. I need something to hold on to, to pull me out. And I have a sinking feeling that you were the only one.

You had a way about you- an easy going optimism that I don't think I've ever seen. Everything was just a day away from being okay. And you made me believe it. That belief pretty much left the day you died.

It's very hard to say that. 'The day you died.' It's finality. To know that you're never coming back. That every hurtful word, every stubborn decision is never going to be forgiven. Every joy, every achievement is never going to be shared. I would have loved to tell you so much.

I still remember coming home after topping the class. I wanted to tell you... I wanted to see that look of pride on your face. To realize that I would never be able to was more painful than I thought possible. I can still feel that absolute desolation- the complete loss. And it's hits afresh everytime I think of you being gone.

It's amazing how much it still hurts. It's almost new everyday. And I don't know if it's because I don't want to forget.

I'm terrified, Daddy. I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one day and struggle to remember your face. I know it's going to happen eventually. I'll forget the way you smiled, the way you walked. A lot's already gone. The sound of your voice has faded away. I could only vaguely recall the smell of the soap you used. It came as a shock when I could smell it again. My roommate's using it now and I try to fight back tears.

There are little things that remind me of you. And, for years, I avoided them. I'd go out of my way to make sure nothing would remind me. I don't do that anymore. It's not going to make a difference. Everything reminds me of you.

I know I'm holding on a little too much. I don't want to lose my memories. Like the cliche...they're all I have left. I know I won't forget but each days erases a bit of the image in my mind.

I imagine quite a lot isn't even true. There are little snippets of information that I've exaggerated into facts. But there is so much that is true. You were a wonderful person. Of course you had faults. I'm not denying that. But that's not how I want to remember you.

I want to remember the man who would take his little girl out to cheer her up. The man who would give his little girl whatever she wanted. The man who would listen to his little girls' babble without ridicule. The man who had faith in his little girl and made her believe she could do anything. The man who that girl misses everyday.

Dream of living

2006-03-30T19:06:00.000+05:30

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

It's a simple story. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl live happily ever after. I was raised to believe that.

Those years of listening to happily ever afters...had me convinced I was going to find my prince. Unfortunately, reality crept in.

Reality which tells me there is no such thing as a Prince Charming. Reality which tells me when I find someone I like, he's not going to feel the same. Reality tells me that a guy I wouldn't dream of going out with is the one interested in me.

My fairytale would tell me to not give up...But fairytales never come true. In the end, it all comes crumbling down. So I listen to reality- my healthy dose of skepticism. I end up with the one who loves me. The sad tale of the loved and the loving. And I convince myself I'm happy.

It's the 'sensible' route. It's the route of least heartache. And slowly...life loses it's romance.

I don't want it to slip away. I don't want to be that person who looks back on a life, full of the 'right' decisions, and regrets. I want to know I took the wrong one. I want to say that I goofed up, that life would have been easier.

Because I want to live. I want to scream from the rooftops that I'm in love, not giving a damn about consequences. I want to tell him that I have feelings for him and shed a few unhappy tears when he says he doesn't. I want to say I tried.

I want to be the me in the dream. The one so happy that nothing could upset her. And I refuse to wake up. I refuse to wake up to a bleak world where my dream will never have a chance of coming true. I refuse to wake up to reality.

But I always do.

Perceptions of perfection

2006-02-24T14:36:00.000+05:30

A few months ago, I had a moment of perfection. An absolute flawless moment of pure bliss. When life just could not go wrong and I was genuinely happy. And then it all unravelled...

Life... it's an endless flow of imperfections punctuated by a few moments of undiluted joy. Sadly, the joy slips away all too soon. And all you're left with is the memory of how you felt.

I have memories of believing life could not go wrong- that perfection was in my grasp. And these aren't earth shattering events. They're the most seemingly insignificant occurances. A glance thrown my way. A smile designed to cheer me up. A promise made hastily. Things that I can look back on and still smile.

My dog acting innocent, another one running with a ball twice his size. One saving my shoes from the rain and one blaming her brother for ruining my slippers. Memories so bittersweet, they bring a lump in my throat.

The little things, part of so much bigger, are what refuse to leave my thoughts. And they come unbidden, a surprise each time. A snapshot into the past.

Happy memories mingling with heartwrenching ones... a life never perfect. No one asked for it. But each time the perception of perfection leaves, it gets a little harder to accept.

An inane escape

2006-01-28T11:49:00.000+05:30

The class bitch. The jock. The nerd. The average joe. The girl-next-door. Pretty predictable.... It's very hard to imagine a teen flick without those basic elements. But who cares? People are still going to continue churning out mediocre fare like that and we're still gonna lap it all up.

And why? Well, not going to answer for you but I actually love them. I know they make no sense whatsoever. I know they're as far removed from reality as can be. I even know some of the jokes aren't that funny. But I do not give a damn

It's a world to get lost in. A world where you know, for once, everything's gonna turn out the way you'd envisioned. The nice guys get their happy ending. The bad guys get what's comin to 'em. All to the backdrop of a high school you wish you'd gone to.

Life goes according to plan. There are friends who you can count on thru thick and thin. There are gorgeous people you can ensure will fall in love with you. There are games and tests you will fail repeatedly at, but when it really counts that's when you'll shine. And a fleeting thought will pass your mind, as you stare mindlessly at the flickering images- why can't my life be that simple? You try to scoff at the absurdity of it all.

But, till the credits roll, a reluctant smile graces your lips.

So, escape into the world of cotton candy romances and asinine irrationality. And, once its over, come back a little less disillusioned.

Self-preservation

2006-01-19T14:29:00.000+05:30

I just had an overwhelming desire to breakdown. In the middle of work, post lunch, when all that should be in my mind is the half-hearted desire to ward off drowsiness... Well, at least that worked. I'm no longer sleepy.

A friend implied that I'm scared to let anyone in. The fear of getting close to someone is almost paralysing. Alright, it's probably not news. Analysing it is a road, though, I may not want to travel down. Solving it is a definite no.

I suppose losing someone, that close to me, had it's repercussions. And I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me. My way of self-preservation. The less vulnerability, the easier it is to live. Well, one way of going through life.

Heard someone say that today. Never let anyone get close. You stay better friends that way. Besides, it's not likely that someone wants to hear you let it all out. Sooner or later, a very polite ly worded "shut up" is gonna come your way. Why wait for that?

So I'm shutting people out again. If I want to cry, I'll cry alone. If I want to rant, I'll scream in my head. A few confidences shared is all that you really need to survive. Keep yourself aloof.

So bottle it all in. Share in tiny amounts. Delude yourself into happiness.

The list

2006-01-18T11:33:00.000+05:30

I'm goin to get a tattoo - a small one near my shoulder.
I'm goin to bear the pain and get a navel piercing.
I'm goin to dye my hair - not just streak it.
I will change the colour of my contacts.
I will not be scared to fall in love again.
I will keep a book of my myriad thoughts.

Just a list of things I will never do.

Depravity and resolutions

2006-01-13T12:09:00.000+05:30

I've been contemplating penning my thoughts for a while now. And figures that it would take ages to finally put down what I wanted. And now it's tainted...

The opening line's been in my head for a month. "Just when I thought the world was lost to depravity, along comes..." Well, that line's no good now.

I do remember the absolute joy that crossed my mind. I do not care if you think there might have been an ulterior motive. I'm keeping it pure in my mind. A donation of 5000 buns for the animals at blue cross - how could you possibly ruin that for me? One of the few times I've experienced that warm, fuzzy feeling.

And I wanted to get it down - before I forgot. Before something came along to spoil it for me.
Well, something did. And I hate that I cannot get it out of my head. Keeps replaying in my head. Never mind that a few days ago my mind was brimming with love for my fellow man...how corny could I get? The world is gone to hell.

And doesn't help that I have that damn new year resolution to stick to. What was I thinking?

But it makes sense. Maintain a distance. And spare yourself the pain. Not that there has been any yet. Little twinges of it, perhaps. But that's bearable. So the best thing is to get out before it's too late. And I intend on doing that.

I've made a start. And the withdrawal hurts more than I thought. Never been one to follow resolutions. Let's see if this the one that will stick.

MSP

2005-11-21T19:37:00.000+05:30

It's amazing how appealing Manic Street Preachers' become. I've heard that one song so many times today that I'm starting to believe it.

I guess it's true in a way. Once it's done, it over. There's no more heartache, no more pain.

I've heard people insist it's the coward's way out. I refuse to believe that. Maybe in some cases, it is. But sometimes there just isn't a choice. It's not worth it anymore - no point going on.

I'm not saying that I've reached that point. But I'm close. And it's inviting. The thought of not feeling so...empty. Of not feeling so alone.

So I'll listen to it again. And again. I'll keep on playing "Suicide is Painless". Till I either lose faith in it or believe it completely.

Platonic

2005-11-19T12:26:00.000+05:30

How difficult is it to understand a platonic relationship? So what if I have midnight calls that last hours? I enjoy them. If they don't bother me, why should they bother you?

And it helps. I don't how much of a difference I make but he did. Yesterday. I know he wasn't terribly insightful. Doesn't matter. He listened and I feel better.

I'm always going to have moments like those. I'm not going to open up each time. But I was close to my breaking point. Ready to do something drastic. That's why it mattered that he called. That he wanted to know why. That I was able to open up.

I can skirt issues with no effort. I'm used to it. Keeping it in is a habit. But I do need an outlet sometimes. And the fact that he was there meant so much.

He's a friend, no matter what you see. Don't spoil it. Don't judge our calls.

It keeps me sane.

Bridesmaid

2005-11-12T16:39:00.000+05:30

Always a bridesmaid...God, that hit home yesterday. I should be used to it now. But it still stings a bit.

I'm getting used to it. I've never liked being in the spotlight. I prefer to push the attention away. Too much time on me and I start feeling uncomfortable.

But to ignore me totally... now that's just unfair. Everyone likes a little acknowledgement. A little praise. And a little flattery. Makes my day.

Someone once told me that I seem very cheerful, like I have a wonderful secret held close to my heart. Well, I like that. I like being thought of as cheerful. Maybe that's my secret. It's my lie.

I know I've not had more heartbreaks than the average person but I do tend to dwell on them longer. Analyzing every aspect, making it bring me down. I've been down a lot more than I care to remember.

And that's when I need you to notice me.

Life, as I once knew it

2005-11-04T16:57:00.000+05:30

I'm listening to "Ship of fools". And there's one line - "Why is life so precious and so cruel?"

Struck me very strong. Especially now.

I've always believed in the essential goodness of life. I know I still do. And, don't get me wrong, I haven't had experiences that could make me very jaded. But there's a cynical edge now. I never thought that I would feel that way.

And, to me, love was an integral part of life. I'd always thought of myself as a true romantic. And I guess I'm not. It's a part of growing up. Everyone goes through it, right?

When you realize that life and love are never as good as you once thought they were. You understand that there are too many ups and downs.

And isn't that supposed to be better? Who'd want something without a little variation? Well, I know I wouldn't.

But getting disappointed over and over again does leave a sour taste. One too many scares. And before you know it, you come to expect it. It's nothing new.

And that's when it strikes. You want the old you back. The one who believed in true and everlasting love. The one who could always find that silver lining.

Because you can't find it anymore.

friends, right?

2005-10-12T13:19:00.000+05:30

Friends are supposed to stick by you. Friends are not supposed to let you down...how many people believe that? That is just not true. Life never works that way.

Friends hurt you, friends can make you cry...And it hurts so much because these are people you care about - not strangers whose opinion means nothing. Well, not nothing. No matter how much you pretend, a small part of you still listens to those unimportant opinions.

But nothing hurts like a friend's anger. Nothing is as heartwrenching as a friend refusing to stand by you. And that's when you decide. If they can't be your friend, why should you be theirs? Life would be so much easier without worrying about the turmoils of the friendship.

And that's when they complicate matters. That's when they decide to play with your head some more. That's when they decide to be friends again. They make you feel so loved that you can't remember why you were upset, in the first place. They cater to your every need, berate whoever hurt you, console you.

How do you figure out people like that?

Well, the good news is you don't have to. Just accept it. There are always going to be people like that. People you want to kill one minute and hug the next.

And they end up being your best friend.

admit it

2005-10-11T17:32:00.000+05:30

So I've finally decided. And I guess I'm happy. No, scratch the guess. I am.

I'll admit I went through the worst stage of depression. I'll admit I'm still having traces of it. I'll admit a part of me might always wonder if I did the right thing.

The self-doubts are a part of me. I've always done that. Second guessed myself till I've lost sight of reality.

Well, not this time... And, ignoring it? Even I'm not that stubborn. So screw the doubts.

Because I'm moving on and I'm living. Being happy is not something I would freely admit to being. But, at this point, I admit I am.

Decisions

2005-09-28T10:44:00.000+05:30

There's a decision at every corner. And I have never felt better. Sure, my life is a complicated mess now with a really big question mark looming over my head. But I know that I'm half way there. I know that I've finally taken the step I needed to.

And I don't know what my answer will be. I know I have to decide soon. I know, by the end of my time, I'll be unsure if it was the right choice. But it will be my decision. And I'll learn not to question it. And I will be happier...

Four words

2005-08-29T11:31:00.000+05:30

Four words you shouldn't think of - what might have been? The doubts and anxieties that spring up can colour your life miserable...

I'm having doubts now- based on nothing other than a few casually thrown words. Funny how I can't pay attention to the most dire warnings but words meant to be taken lightly...I analyse every aspect.

And it's driving me nuts...But I'm gonna not go into it. I am happy! Yeah right. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll forget.

And then I'll need the services of a shrink!

Lost in the unknown

2005-08-17T14:44:00.000+05:30

It's the fear of the unknown that's terrifying. And I'm terrified now. I want this endless wait to be over. To just know and stop agonizing. Unfortunately, it doesn't end there.

What if the truth isn't what I'm hoping it to be? What if the worst comes true. And here's where I get muddled...

What is the worst? I'm not sure anymore if I know just what I want. Never thought that this would be me. A me who can't decide what I want at this point in life. It should be easy. A straight cut answer.

And i'm so hopelessly lost...

Inadequacy- learn to live with it

2005-07-30T14:35:00.000+05:30

Inadequacy- it's nothing new. Hasn't everyone felt it once? No? Am I the only one? Am I the only person who feels this gnawing urgency to prove myself? Failing which I'm reduced to tears. Tears aren't something I shed easily, right?

What do you know? I've shed tears so many hours on end - wasted my life pining away. And that goes to prove either of two things. I'm not doing it right or it's not worth it. The choice is really up to me. I need to draw that line and decide which of the two I'm willing to accept. After all, it's my life.

Money rules?

2005-07-25T12:33:00.000+05:30

I’m not one of those girls. The kind that needs lots of money to be happy. Well, there’s another myth down the drain. I have money and I’m living it up. So much that I’m pretty much broke these days.

And that is where everyone else comes into the picture. No matter how heartless that sounds, money adds a certain respect. And borrowing from someone who doesn’t need it, what’s the problem with that? Unfortunately, finding that person’s hard.

Everyone needs money.

A single tear

2005-07-22T19:33:00.000+05:30

It wasn’t supposed to be easy. And, sadly, heartbreakingly, it was. A single tear shed and the world continued. There were no earth shattering differences, people didn’t care. And I’d berated them for that... in the past. Now I was one of them.

Why couldn’t I cry? I needed to – release the pain. That’s what they all said, ‘A good cry will make you feel better.’ How do I explain to them…I’m fine? I’m not in shock, I’m not in denial. I see the truth for what it is and I’m surviving. I’m okay.

I don’t need help to get through this crisis…simply because, there is none. Welcome to life.